Stories of Hope
Suicidal Thoughts to Accepting God’s Love
I finally came to a point in my life where I just couldn't handle my problems on my own any more, even with the Lord. There's been a lot to deal with, including child abuse, severe bullying, and domestic violence. Despite several attempts at counseling in the past, things just came to a head; and I felt as if I couldn't handle the pain, confusion, and despair of it all any more. Several weeks ago I started to seriously think of ending my life and researching for ways to do it. Yet, praise God, He somehow kept me going, mostly through worship and praise music. After the most severe episode of suicide ideation, I felt so ashamed. That's where TheHopeLine came in. It was a late Saturday night. Because of the shame and confusion, I dreaded going to church the next day and needed someone to talk to. How could I face everyone? "Good" Christians are not supposed to have these kinds of problems, right? West, from TheHopeLine, not only addressed these concerns, but also did so much more. She helped me, for the very first time ever, to truly believe God's love! I told her that trying to believe in the depths of God's love always seemed to hurt so much. I feared that if I let myself really and truly believe it, I would start crying and never stop. I had never told anyone else this before. Yet, West was so understanding, so genuine and kind, she knew just what I needed to hear. This person really cared! Furthermore, she reminded me of God's truth and dispelled the lies swirling around in my head. That night with West on TheHopeLine was a turning point in my life. Believing in God's love has given me strength and clarity to honestly face complex-PTSD and getting the help I need. At present I am waiting to get into a local residential treatment program for trauma. It's a little scary to think about, not knowing what the future holds; but that's okay. Because of West and TheHopeLine, I can continue moving forward, remembering that depression is nothing to be ashamed of. There's help and we are not alone! -- Kathy
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Releasing My Fears and Anxiety
I was struggling with extremely bad anxiety for a few months leading up to me reaching out to chat with TheHopeLine through the Anthem of Hope website. It was getting to the point where my mind was all over the place I felt so alone and that’s when I discovered the help and hope I needed. After contacting TheHopeLine, I was reminded by my HopeCoach that the Lord loves us no matter what...the good the bad and the ugly. I realized that I was really trying too hard to build a relationship with our Lord. My anxiety was being caused by many things, and to help overcome my struggles, I am now learning to seek Him. I am digging deeper in my Bible study time, and I'm praying intently and more often than I used to as well. Seeking God through prayer and the Bible has helped me slowly, but surely overcome my struggle with anxiety. TheHopeLine was definitely able to give me direction and hope for the future. They expressed to me the importance of seeking Him. They reminded me that the Lord just wants to love us. We never need to be afraid to come to Him with our worries, our doubts and the things that are causing our anxiety. I also truly enjoyed TheHopeLine's eBook, Understanding Anxiety. I am so thankful for all the resources you have been emailing me as well. It makes me feel I am not alone in this journey and that you guys are truly dedicated to helping others! I am forever thankful I reached out to TheHopeLine that evening. Xoxo - Pauline
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Bullying: They Hated Me So I Hated Myself
I'm Dewinsar and I'm 19. Everyday after going to school, I just sit in my room doing nothing. I wonder why I'm still going to school. No one wants me there. They hate me and said that I'm not wanted. They push me away like I'm a monster. Sometimes I can convince myself that I'm not really alive. It's like a nightmare, but I just can't wake up. I feel suicidal every day. I really hated myself because of the way I look. I've become crazy with my thoughts. Some days I cry because of the load of shame and hate. Other days I giggle without reason. My hobby is writing. I love to write so much, but now I can't write anymore. I don't know why. I'm trying, but I have a hard time focusing. I haven't written in almost 4 months. I needed someone. I really needed a friend who knows what I feel. So I found this site. Now I know I'm not alone. I read all of your stories and they make me feel better because I'm not alone, you know? I have the same scars, like you. I have the same pain, like you. So I'm so thankful to you because you are still alive. Your stories help. -Dewinsar
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PTSD and Anxiety: My Mom’s Boyfriend Was Abusive
My story is that for years I lived in fear because of my mom's old boyfriend. He was a jerk. But that's putting it mildly, he was horrible. He was abusive to the point he tried to kill my mom! My grandma and I tried to tell her to break up with him, but she wouldn't. He drank every day, and did drugs every day. I was so miserable and mad. I hated him so much! My grandma also hated him! Finally, my mom broke up with him, but my deep fear of him has had lasting effects. I have PTSD and so much anxiety, pretty much every day. I'm worried he will come back, and this time succeed in killing my mom, me, my dad/stepdad, my dog, and my grandma! He threatened to kill us all! Even though my mom finally got a restraining order against this jerk, I still worry every day he's going to come back. So to help me deal with all of this, I went to TheHopeLine. They helped me cope with my anxiety and PTSD and process my thoughts about this abusive guy. At TheHopeLine they are so nice! They gave me hope and love no matter what. They are honest, kind, and helpful. TheHopeLine is the best! Thank you so much to the entire team at TheHopeLine! -David
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Bad Breakup and Unhealthy Relationships
My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me and told me he had a date with some someone via text message. My son who loves him was as crushed as I was, as he felt as if he had lost a father. Through talking to a HopeCoach, we uncovered that I had been in many unhealthy relationships, even with my own parents. Not only was I relying more on people to make me happy and not myself, but my relationship with God was unhealthy and untrusting. I'm still hurting, but I know it doesn't matter if my ex comes crawling back or not. I will not be happy or be able to make anyone happy, until I am right with God again. My HopeCoach and I prayed together and although I'm still hurt, I feel hopeful knowing that I'm not alone and I never was. I was simply looking in the wrong places. -Michelle
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Had It with My Parent’s Divorce and Googled for Help
My name is Sam and I was going through the typical divorce of parents... and yes it is common and normal but what is not normal is the pain and hurt you go through. No one prepares you for the pain you're gonna go through in life until it actually hits you. One day I had just been done. Tired with the confusion and trying to reason with why I had to get through this. I then stumbled upon TheHopeLine on google and the Lord blessed me with Donald to speak to and it was a miracle to have him help me find solutions on ways to cope with this. After we conversed we had time to reflect on how the Lord puts things in our lives and even though it may be something super hard, the Lord will never abandon us...how can we be so sure??? He tells us in the Bible! Donald and I were able to pray together and TheHopeLine and he was truly a blessing! Thank you so much, Donald and TheHopeLine! -Sam
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Struggling with Self-Harm: Finding Hope and Help
Hello, my name is Hannah. I am a teenager, we tend to be confusing and difficult to relate with. This may be due to the fact that everyone is different, which brings the topic of self-harm, cutting, relief, or however else you may want to put it. Some people think that cutting is weird and what people who strive for attention do and others think its the only way to survive, a way to stay alive a way to feel. For me...cutting was attention to myself. I felt alone. Being alone is hard especially since they're billions of people who live on this planet. So whether you believe that people do this to flash their scars online or to relieve the pain that been brewing inside. Cutting is something that people do. It can be considered a tragedy or a beckoning for hope. For me my silent cries were answered by the people I thought could never understand...my parents. It was the actual hardest thing to tell both of them. The second hardest when they asked how long this had been occurring. And the saddest thing to see them crying when I showed them all the scars I had. But it was the tangible help I received that became the most amazing thing to ever come out of my "problem." My personal advice is, I know how hard it can and will be to feel alone, to feel like everyone is all set without you, but cutting is a step that you don't and shouldn't have to take. Even if your parents aren't a focal point for recovering, you have teachers, peers, TheHopeLine and even the police. Anyone can be your reason for feeling something other than nothingness, and you don't have to ruin the only thing that you have to live in - your body. -Hannah
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Sexual Abuse: Scared to Tell My Story
When I found your site I was skeptical at first, I never told anyone about my dilemma. I was scared to tell my story, but knew I needed help. Before I was even five years old my half-brother, who is ten years older than me, started abusing me. He would make me do sexual things to him and do things back to me that I didn't want. He repeatedly did things to me that were very wrong. As a little girl I was scared to tell anyone because he threatened to kill me and my mom (we shared the same father). I was so afraid of being hurt by him. When I was five, he went too far and took my virginity. When I was five! That was the line for me. I somehow found the courage to tell my parents and he was sent to jail. I blocked the specific memories and images out of my mind until a year ago. Then suddenly the memories flooded back and I couldn't control myself. I started self-harming as a way to cope with my pain. When I found out he had been allowed out of prison, I was so scared that I tried to commit suicide. Then I found this website. I was in a lot of pain, but telling my story and not being judged by my HopeCoach, but only loved, really helped me. I'm in a better place now and I know I'm not alone. Thank you, you really helped me. -Lindsey
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I Now Have a Reason to Live
My Last Effort to Find a Reason to Live I was very close to committing suicide end of summer 2017. But it felt like something was holding me back. While googling how to get free help online (too scared to get actual help), I stumbled upon TheHopeLine. I was able to talk to a HopeCoach and we had a great talk. I Learned My Feelings were Valid He encouraged me to talk to my parents so they could help me find the counseling I needed for my thoughts and feelings. He planted the seed in me that my feelings were valid and that I deserved therapy. It was a good start and got me through the night. However, I still wasn't ready to go to the doctor and into therapy. Instead, I kept my feelings inside and 2 months later I overdosed. After that my parents talked to me about getting therapy. I remembered what my HopeCoach had said and now I was ready. Today I'm getting the help I need in therapy. I wanted to thank TheHopeLine and the HopeCoach I talked to. He helped me take the first step of admitting I need help. I wouldn't be here without TheHopeLine. So, thank you. - Lana (19 years old)
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Abandoned: My Life Now Has Hope
Felt It Was My Fault My Dad Left When my dad left 5 years ago, I started feeling like it was my fault that he left. I have been feeling like this for a long time. These feelings led to depression and anxiety. Abandoned Again Then I started feeling really happy two years ago, when I had a teacher that really understood what I was going through. She made me feel really special and my anxiety and depression started getting better. But 2 months before school ended, she left without saying good-bye to anyone. That really hurt and once again I felt like it was my fault she left. So I started cutting and getting depressed again. God Rescued Me I was baptized this year and I feel like my life is starting to get way better now that I’m a Christian. A lot of my mood swings have been really good too, even if I do feel anxious about my past, I know God is bringing about positive change in my life. I moved to a new school this year and it has been really good meeting new people and make new memories. God is helping me to live a better life. I am less anxious and depressed. Thank you Lee for talking to me on TheHopeLine. I really appreciate it! -Jackson
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Abuse: Red Flags, but Married Him Anyway
Before I married my husband, I lost someone who was my everything. He passed away, and I never coped with his loss. I just wanted someone to love me and fill that spot in my heart. And that's where my husband comes in. He made me feel loved for a few days. I got married at 21 years-old. However, our relationship was never stable. We were always on again/off again. In our relationship, I have gone through physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. I thought I was really in love, but the abuse started after I told him I was really falling for him. We broke up got back together and broke and back together for a year this went on. I decided to quit drinking and I quit doing drugs for him by then we were engaged. We married and nothing changed. He cheated with my used-to-be BFF from high school. This has taken a huge toll on me emotionally. So today on our 2nd anniversary I decided "no more!" I was having thoughts of suicide and self-harm. But I didn't really want that, so I searched online to talk to someone. I chatted with a HopeCoach who was able to hear me out on everything I'm going through. I signed up for an e-mail mentor to help me cope with my divorce. So the journey begins. Trust me I'm scared and in a way excited to get through this with TheHopeLine's help. Thank you for Hope. -Jewel
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Dealing with Depression: TheHopeLine Saved My Life
I have been dealing with depression for eleven years. My sister passed away and my life changed completely. Then my Aunt passed away from suicide. Then on my Aunt's birthday, my grandmother died, of old age. I was abused by my father. My parents divorced, and my mom found a really cool guy who became my step-dad. I loved him until he started putting me down, shoving me out of the house, getting so close to me when he yelled he would spit on me. I have been bullied at school to the point where I'm afraid to be myself and talk to anyone because of fear of being laughed at. I have a really bad life here. And I have attempted suicide three times already. But I came to TheHopeLine. My Coach talked to me and listened to me. I had been so scared to talk, but here I was safe. I am so glad because I had my pistol ready. Thank you so much. If you are also going through a lot, don't give up. There is hope. - Izzy Sometimes life seems filled with such pain, sadness, and hurt that we think we can't handle it anymore. Our minds convince us life will always be this hard and will never get better. But we are here to tell you that while we fully understand how impossible things may seem, don't give up. Life can get better. If Izzy can walk away with hope, so can you. But you need to want the help. You need to decide you are worth fighting for. We believe you are worth it and so does God. If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help.
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Pornography Addiction: Being a Muslim to Christianity
My life before Jesus Christ is an interesting story. I was not born and raised as a Christian. I used to be a Muslim. When I was 9 years old, my family moved from Iran where I was born and raised and came to Texas due to a job offer my dad got. In middle school, I was starting to lose my faith and relationship with God, because of all the issues in the world, especially because of terrorism wars over religion. I stopped believing in religion, and I just focused on my selfish desires and doing after immoral things. I began to develop a problem with pornography addiction. When I entered high school, my main focus was on pornography and sex chat rooms, instead of God or my studies. I had lost hope in living my life. I would ask God to end my life, so I could burn in hell and be punished for my sins. Then everything changed when I saw the movie, Son of God. God used that movie to help me regain my interest and desire for religion. After watching the movie, Son of God, I asked one of my friends if he knew of good churches in our area. He invited me to go with him to his Baptist church that Sunday. At first, I thought he was joking with me, but he was serious. When I went to that church, I fell in love with it and with God's Word. After that experience, I decided to become a Christian. So on Easter 2014, I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior! When my family found out, they argued with me and tried to convince me that Christ is just a prophet, not the son of God. They wanted me to wait until I was 18 to become a Christian. However, on August 10th I was baptized against my family's will. My older brother threatened that I would be dead to him if I got baptized. However, I still did it because that was God's will for me. My life after accepting Christ has not been easy. I keep getting persecuted for my faith. Every time I do something wrong, my parents tell me how can you do this and be a Christian or go to church. I have had times in my life where I thought God has given up on me, but through prayer and reading the Bible I was able to learn more about God's great love for me. In my life, I feel I have had many miracles. My first miracle was on Christmas Eve. At the end of the service, I heard God's voice in my head saying, come home Reza, come home again to me. After I heard that voice, I went and prayed with a pastor. My second miracle was a time when God told me who I am. He showed me that I am his child that He loves me and has great plans for me. Another time God spoke to me through his Word. He told me that I should let him work things out with my brother. The most recent miracle came at a time when I was feeling depressed. As I prayed, I saw Jesus giving me his hand. It was as if he was saying, "put your trust in me and I will help you get through this day." What I have I learned from being a Christian is that, if it is God's will, it will happen, no matter what. My favorite Bible verses are - Romans 6:14, "For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under the law but under grace." Romans 6:23 says: "For the wages of sin is death, but Gods free gift is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord." In Christ Alone, Reza
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I Can’t Let a Broken Heart Break My Life
My name is Megan. I broke up with my boyfriend. We had a long distance relationship for a year and a half. During that time, he would say how much he loved me and that he couldn't live a life without me and everything will be perfect when we are finally together in the same room one day. But those words were deceitful. He gave me this high hope. I worked so hard to save money so I could visit him. We'd been through so much together. I was blind to how I was being treated. I gave up a lot for this relationship. He said love is jealous, so I lost friends because he was very possessive. I even lost a career because he didn't like my manager. He said the manager cared too much about me. My boyfriend demanded I talk with him when he had problems. I was always there to cheer him up. When he had issues, I was there to listen and to give him my opinion, when he asked for it. I gave him my all, but he never appreciated it. He said all I ever wanted was an argument with him. If I confronted him about things, he would say we were not in sync. He would blame me for every mistake he made. When he got angry, he would talk to people online and tell them he was sick of me and call me names. Then he would later apologize to me and somehow convince me it was all my fault. He would say if I just wouldn't argue with him then he wouldn't do that. He broke my heart too many times. He cheated on me, but then would come to me crying saying all the right words. I was angry and disappointed, but I forgave him. He knew I would forgive him, so every time he would blame me for everything he did wrong. It was always about me not making him happy. Finally, I realized I was a fool to keep the relationship going with the hope he would change. He didn't. I began wondering if I am a weak person. Why would I love this man so much that I would allow myself to become so attached to him? I finally broke up with him. It was the hardest thing to do, and it hurt me a lot. I cried for days. I hoped that he would at least call me and ask if I was alright. He didn't. I called my mom and she prayed for me in tears as she had to bear all my pain everytime this man hurt my feelings. Not wanting to cause my mom any more pain, I searched the internet for advice on my problem. That's when I found TheHopeLine. As soon as I logged in to chat, there was a coach available to talk to me. I didn't expect it would work, but it did work. I told the coach my problem and the coach listened patiently and gave me some advice. It really touched my heart. Why would a stranger bother to listen and to give advice and pray for me? I felt like I was all alone with my pain, but here was someone willing to listen to me. The coach asked me if I believed in God and tears started falling down my face. I had forgotten God for a long long time. Even though I had a good Christian upbringing, when I went to college I left it all behind. I thought God had forgotten me too because I had betrayed Him. When my mom prayed with me, I let her because that's what she wanted. But when the coach asked me if she could pray for me, I knew I needed it more than anything. It gave me peace. I realized God had never left me...all this time He was around...watching me. I know it is not an accident that I went to look for something to read and ended up at TheHopeLine. God led me here. I felt so dirty and so sinful. I felt I didn't deserve God, but then my mom told me if you still feel guilty, it shows that God loves you because you can still feel it. If your heart becomes so stone cold and feels nothing, it means you reject God. That very moment I knew God never left me even though I turned my back on Him. He's been there waiting for me, and He is using all that I am going through to lead me home to Him. I feel ashamed of myself, but also so grateful because God reached out to me through the coaches at TheHopeline. I still struggle with my emotional pain. A coach reminded me that there is no easy way to fix my broken heart. When I wanted to harm myself, something held me back, and I went to talk to a coach instead. The talks with the coach really pushed me back to being rational. I could not harm myself for what I felt inside. It would not solve my problem. It would just keep me broken. I couldn't do that to my parents or fail the coaches that God had provided for me. Why would I doubt that God couldn't help me through this? I can't let a broken heart break my life. There is a choice between giving in to my pain or giving it all to God. I choose the second. I decided to let God give me the strength to endure my moment of pain, to let God walk with me in my darkest time, to let Him hold my hand and show me the way to deal with my brokenness. The HopeCoach suggested I read blogs on this site, and, of course, read the Bible. It helped me a lot and I began to see myself more clearly. There are lots of people who suffer more than me, yet they aren't giving in or giving up. We all have our own problems, even the coaches. Yet the coaches give their time to help someone in their time of need. After 3 weeks, suddenly my ex called me. He was drunk and crying. I asked what happened? He said after we broke up, he found someone else. He fell in love with her so bad, and he already had sex with her. But then he did something that made her break up with him. Hearing this stabbed me right through my heart. He kept on talking of how much he loves the girl and that he can't lose her as she is the love of his life. He tried to kill himself to show how sorry he was to this girl. It caused my heart to break again to realize he didn't feel anything for me while I was in pain. But I knew the right thing to do, so I told him what the HopeCoaches had told me...to kill yourself over a broken heart is not wise. I asked if I could pray for him. He said okay, even though he didn't believe in God. I put aside all my pain because his life was at stake. I asked God to give me strength because if God leads him to talk to me, then may I do that according to God's will. So I told my ex, "Your life has a purpose, and to end your life because of a broken heart is just not fair." He thanked me for always being there, but then once again blamed me! He said all of this wouldn't have happened if I hadn't broken up with him. After that, I was just numb. My heart felt cold. I just cried out to God. What is it He wants to teach me? I reached out to a HopeCoach again before I allowed myself to be flooded with bad thoughts. The coach encouraged me and prayed for me. I realized God did not let me down. I don't know where I got the strength to keep my cool when my ex called me. Somehow God filled my heart with compassion...giving me the ability to help my ex realize that no matter what happens, our lives have a purpose and that God loves him and cares about him. Through this whole experience, my heart was torn to pieces, but it is still working and is actually stronger than it was before. I have learned the only true and unfailing love comes from God. I am grateful that God showed me His Love. A love so deep that he gave His only Son to die for our sins. Jesus experienced all the pain and hurtful things that we do and so much more. He died for people who were cursing him, rejecting him, and demeaning him. He demonstrates a love that conquers all that. Humans can hurt each other in every worst way, but God's love conquers it all. That's what I have come to understand from my experience. Yes, I still feel down sometimes, but I'm no longer lost. God is putting me back together. He is shaping me. I trust He wouldn't let me go through all this without a purpose. I know He has a plan for me. A great one! I want to thank all the coaches who have been there for me in my time of need, you are all God's hands. Thank you to everyone who shared their stories here. Reading all the stories gives me strength. That is the power of sharing! God bless you all. And last but not least...Thank you, God for this wonderful site, wonderful people, and wonderful love you let us share with each other even though we are all strangers. You are wonderful, God! There is none like You! Let us all be the living proof that You are God. Amen. -Megan
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My Adoption Plan
Hi, I'm Melanie. I had a surprise baby two months ago. He was not planned, and the day I had him I made the decision to put him up for adoption. It is a very open adoption so I am still able to be a part of his life. But I am struggling with depression after adoption because it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I knew I was not even close to being ready to raise a child and be able to fully support him. I was having troubles with work, and anxiety, and stress. Yet I have never made a harder decision. I do not regret it, as my son's adoptive parents are amazing. Even though I don't regret it, it is still hard to not be around him. He presently lives 2000 miles away, so I am only able to see him in pictures and on video chat. It is definitely not the same thing as actually getting to see him and hold him. It has caused me to go through depression. I'm not new to depression. I especially suffered from depression during my freshman year as I was bullied very badly at school and somewhat at home. But then I found this site! I was really struggling and needed good advice. The coach that I spoke to was amazing and probably the sweetest and most helpful person I have talked to in the last couple of months. Full of Thanks! - Melanie
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