Stories of Hope

It was getting to a point I couldn't take much more. So one time I took a sharp knife, and I was trying to convince myself to just end it. The only thing that stopped me was the little bit of hope I had left.

I moved in with a family friend shortly after this, but found out the friend was a pathological liar and a drug addict. This all messed with my mind as well, and I got to a point I was desperate to stop hurting. I couldn't cope with my past or my present, so I started cutting myself.

I Had Anger Towards God

For a long time, I thought God was responsible for everything I've been through and that caused me to feel a lot of anger towards Him. But then one night I chatted with TheHopeLine, and the HopeCoach I talked to helped me realize God is not responsible for the bad things in my life. Satan is. I understood the truth they were telling me that God is not capable of being bad. This understanding has allowed me to not be angry at Him anymore. With this new perspective, I'm reading The Bible and trying to get to know Him and build a relationship with Him.

TheHopeLine Has Been There For Me

I still struggle with self-harm but focusing on the positives helps, and every day it gets a little easier not to give in to it. TheHopeLine has been there for me when I've needed someone to talk to and help me off the ledge. They helped me realize God will always love me and He will never leave me or hurt me, and nothing I have done or will do could change that. - Brittany

Mine was mostly physical and verbal abuse. 

Growing Up Felt Unloved

My mother did not bond with me, and I was often handed off. As I grew up, it became more apparent that she absolutely didn’t like me. Nothing I ever did was good enough and there was this high standard of perfection that I just couldn’t seem to meet no matter how hard I tried. Honor roll grades, maximum effort into chores, listening and not back-talking, I truly tried. As I got older, there were comments about my weight although I was always very small, comments about how I’d never be as pretty as my sisters. My hair was always cut off like a boys and I hated it but I wasn’t allowed to have a say. My dad avoided conflict with my mom because he knew she would take it out on me, although he did stand up for me when he thought he could.

All throughout school, I was bullied...on the bus, in class, the cafeteria, and in the halls. I seemed to be the target because I was quiet and unsure of how to interact with peers. I wasn’t allowed to have sleepovers, go to friends' houses or parties until later on. I had literally spent the majority of my life sitting on my bed as punishment or cleaning.  I felt alone and different from the world. I still feel this way.

Stopped Eating to Become "Good Enough"

When I was 14, I slowly stopped eating. I thought in my head, if I could be thin enough and pretty enough, my mother would love me. Since I was already smart enough, I would finally have reached perfection. Starving myself did no help my mother love me, however, it calmed me, distracted me, and gave me something in my empty life. Something of my own that no one could take from me. At this time, I was allowed to go to church with friends and do some overnight church activities. I was also allowed to join our school cross country and track teams. I finally made a few friends and life seemed okay for me.

Then suddenly one night my mother told me and my younger sister that our dad didn’t want us anymore and we were moving out of state with her and her new internet boyfriend. We left 3 days later and I had to start all over again.

I didn’t mind living in this new state actually. I hated being at the house because it was her boyfriend's parents' house. However, the dynamics between my mother and I changed. I was allowed to go wherever I wanted. I was a star on the cross country team. The teachers and principal raved about how good I was. I joined choir and got a solo. I was very popular with everyone. I was close enough to walk to the mall and allowed to. Life was ok except I really missed my dad and my friends and I was still starving myself.

Looking back, I honestly believe my mom kept me happy because she wanted child support from my dad. Regardless, I felt free and in control as long as I didn’t eat.

Abandoned

Then just as suddenly as we moved away, we moved back home with my dad.  However,  a week later, I came home from school and found a U-Haul packed and my mother and sister leaving without me.

I started failing classes. I did rejoin the track team, but nothing was the same. My dad wasn’t the same. Our house was empty. I didn’t understand what was going on. Why I was left behind. I literally didn’t want to live anymore. So, I attempted suicide at age 15.

First Suicide Attempt at 15

This attempt led to my first inpatient hospitalization where I was diagnosed with Major Depression and Anorexia Nervosa. During this stay, I let something out that I shouldn’t have. I was trying to sleep and apparently was screaming out. I woke up to a flashlight in my face and several nurses telling me I’m ok. I started crying. A nurse told me I could tell her anything and she wouldn’t tell anyone. I finally told her about how my half brother had been molesting me and about my parents. The next morning my dad was called in to have a meeting. The abuse was revealed, and, as I expected, my father did not believe me. However, the doctor believed me and refused to send me home where my half brother lived.

My mother called and gave me false hope. She said she believed me and was going to find a way to get me, but she didn't.

I went to live with a friend until my brother left for the army. I spent my 16th birthday there. I received no cards from my family. I was desperate to feel loved and a senior boy convinced me that he loved me.  I lost my virginity on my 16th birthday. I remember the hatred and guilt I felt for what I did, and it made me starve myself more.

Became Part of the System

Here is where my life took a major turn for the worse. Six days after my 16th birthday, my father came to get me.  I made a run for it and tried to escape, but was eventually caught by an officer.  I told the officer that I’d rather be dead or in jail than go home. And I honestly meant it.

Later that night that a caseworker drove me to a run down group home in another city. She told me she would be back Monday to place me in a foster home. That night, I sat in my bed looking out at the intersection, at the traffic light as it turned from red to green and back again. And each time a car would slow to stop for red, I silently pleaded that they would look up and see me and rescue me. Of course no one did.

Monday came and went. In fact, six months passed. Lots of things occurred in this group home. Abuse by peers, abuse by staff, and an ever-growing eating disorder.  After six months, I was sent to a really abusive foster home and eventually back to the group home. I had reported stuff going on there, but nobody believed me.

Eventually, I ended up in a children’s home, in a locked ward, that was exactly like jail. So more trust issues, abandonment issues, and more hospitalizations for an eating disorder. I also ended up self-harming all the time. I was extremely lonely. I finally did get better, but only because I didn’t want the court ordering me there until I was 21. My self-worth was deeply wounded living here because my mother always threatened that she could ship me and my siblings off to a children’s home, and here I was locked up and in one, but my siblings were free.  In my mind, this meant that something was majorly wrong with me. I had to be some kind of monster.

At 18, I was able to leave. I made many bad mistakes...horrible boyfriends, looking for love in all the wrong places, a failed attempt at college. All I wanted to do was die. And so, one night I made my second attempt at suicide. I was hospitalized yet again.

Someone Cared

My boss at work started seeing how depressed I was and brought me into her family which was wonderful until Christmas Day when I thought I lost my boss due to a miscommunication.  I attempted suicide a third time. This time I ended up in a coma for a week. When I woke up, I realized I wasn’t sad about being alive. My boss apologized and tried her best to be there for me. She started calling me her daughter, and I called her mom. My boss and her husband, came up daily to visit and support me. I lived with them and I gradually got better.

Fast forward 2 years, I’m still in therapy. I’m living with a boyfriend. I still feel very lonely, empty, but I had people in my life. I got strong enough to attend this modeling conference where I was signed with an agent. Cue Anorexic relapse. I worked very hard, learned to hide my feelings, and give everyone what they wanted. I ended up very sick, but I felt that I was sort of attractive and desired.  My “mom” made me go to therapy because I was dying slowly.

Then my "mom" died. Prior to her death, she always told me that she wanted to see me in college and would be the loudest person cheering for me. So, when she passed, I wanted her to be proud of what she saw when looking down. I enrolled in college, and graduated with honors. And... even if only I could hear it, she was the loudest one cheering at my graduation.

Struggles Returned

My anorexia was in remission for a brief period, but returned when I decided to go back to school to get a BS in Psychology. I had very little faith in myself that I was intelligent enough to complete my bachelor's degree and the pressure caused me to fall back into old habits. I was a full-time student working hard to prove to myself that I was worthy. I maintained honors, but then something finally broke me and I never returned.

This was 7 years ago now.

For 7 years, I locked myself away. I stopped driving. I stopped working. I stopped school. I wouldn’t let anyone see me. I purposely gained a ton of weight, irrationally thinking if I made myself undesirable, I would be safe. I was so ashamed of my weight, I isolated and only communicated by phone, text, or internet.

Crippling Unworthiness

Then two incidents occurred that caused me to panic and become overwhelmed with anxiety and led to my contact with TheHopeLine.

First, a medication I was on for fibromyalgia, I could no longer refill. The withdrawal had me completely incapacitated and suicidal.  I couldn’t sit upright for almost 2 weeks. Finally, I went to the ER.  The doctor  I saw not only criticized me for being there, but said I had a made-up disease and didn't need medicine. He then proceeded to scan my body with his eyes before promptly saying that the real reason for my sickness was my obesity..lack of proper eating and "couch potato laziness". I cannot express how this made me feel. It was crippling considering I locked myself away because of my weight and had a long history with anorexia. I left there in a panic attack. I felt this crippling unworthiness inside. I physically felt my heart feeling like it shattered.

I reverted back to my old thought patterns and thought about suicide again. However, this time I decided that I would do something different. I would try to live. I went to a psych hospital and admitted myself. I became close to someone that worked there. We formed a friendship. At first, it was very helpful, but then she started criticizing me and judging me constantly. The things she said to me hurt and made me feel even more unworthy. I had started restricting food during this friendship. Finally, she walked out and I let her go. She literally said if I killed myself, ok.

Eating Disorder Returns

All of these incidents caused me to fall into a cycle with an eating disorder that felt constant and predictable. Before these two incidents I had lost 36 pounds in three months in a healthy way.  I felt I was making progress.  Now I was back to my old habit of starving myself. At first, I had control, but I lost it somewhere along the way. However, I kept going because everyone told me I was doing amazing. I still have a ton of weight to lose. No one would think I have an eating disorder. It’s hard for me to look in the mirror and think that. No one can see my struggle which both hurts, but also allows me to hide it. But I recognize the old patterns. I’m stuck in constant emotional pain that I turn physical with an eating disorder.  The physical pain is easier to withstand than the emotional pain.

This is where I contacted TheHopeLine.

I'm hopelessly obsessed....thinking about food every 10 minutes, desperately trying to figure out a way to get more weight off. I didn't know who to talk to because no one understands. At moments I'm scared I will die suddenly. Then I think death wouldn’t be so bad considering how I feel. The depression from it is unlike anything I’ve ever felt in the past. I don’t think I’ve ever been this extreme and yet this time, it’s hiding behind all my fat.  I'm restricting, taking pills, exercising, one purge, keeping a calorie journal, etc.  I knew the eating disorder was back, but I didn’t meet the criteria and I was so confused. I wanted so badly NOT to be back here.

I was trying to find the answers on Quora, and I came across a comment on a post about the HopeLine. And I started on-line chat with them.

I needed answers that I couldn’t find. I was ashamed, lonely, and so depressed that I was ready to give up and had convinced myself the world was better off without me. So I reached out. The person I chatted with online helped me so much. They referred me to an amazing resource about higher weight anorexia.

One link helped answer all my questions. And chatting online helped me not feel so alone.

I didn’t get the usual generic responses. I didn’t feel judged like on other sites. I felt like I was accepted for who I was and left the chat feeling better.

Since that day, I have opened up to three friends and my doctor.  I have decided to return to a former therapist. My hope is she may be able to help me with some of the reasons why I relapsed. Until then, I am just trying to stay strong, trying not to sink too far into the past.  And I'm trying to remember that just because I don’t feel worthy, doesn’t mean I am not. I just have to find my worth in something other than eating and my weight.

My story is long, and full of depression, hopelessness, fear, abandonment, and poor self-image, but thank you to TheHopeLine for laying the first bricks to wherever this path will lead me. -Aly

So many times I've wanted to encourage others but haven't been able to because I myself needed encouragement and would've of sounded like a hypocrite. 

Now, however, I am at a place where I feel I can genuinely encourage others because I have personally experienced encouragement, and hope has been reawakened within me. 

I wrote this essay to encourage others to don't lose hope and just to have them feel that their trials and issues are acknowledged. I don't know. It might not do anyone any good. But I decided to write it because it is what I truly believe, and it comes from my heart. -Jennifer 

Don't Lose Hope

I just want to take the time right now to write this short piece and encourage those who feel low. Low in joy, low in self-esteem, low in whatever else it may be. Low as in rock bottom. And rock bottom really sucks.

We all go through seasons in our life, seasons of joy and seasons of sadness and trials. It is in those seasons that we learn a lot about ourselves that we never perhaps even knew before. Sure, those seasons suck, but those that make it out of their hardships come out stronger, and I believe they have a more firmly rooted identity. And no one can tell you who you are or what you went through because, guess what, you were the one that walked through the fire, not them. And you know it.

Just Surviving

But it can get pretty annoying sometimes hearing the phrase You'll come out stronger when all you're focusing on is just getting through each day without falling apart and letting everything go to pots. Sure, you may come out stronger, but you're not at that place yet, and, frankly, you're just learning how to survive.

I think when people go through extremely rough times in life, what they need is not someone who will explain their situation for them and tell them how to solve it. After all, if you who are in it don't know how to solve your problems, how much less will they? No, what people need in rough times is someone who will stand by them and listen to them. And that could be all they do. Just listen. But listening is, I think, one of the most powerful ways to make someone feel better, even if their circumstances don't immediately change.

Listening is Important

Why? Why is listening to someone vent so powerful? It is because you are showing that you care about how they feel and what is going on in their life. Listening is, in fact, one way to show love. It is acknowledging the fact that your friends' problems and concerns are real. We need someone who will listen to us. And just that. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Well, I know by reading this small essay, you are not being listened to. In fact, you are listening to what I am saying to you through this essay. But I wrote it not because I want to tell you everything is going to be alright nor to tell you how to fix your messy life. You see, there is another powerful tool besides listening, and that is feeling understood.

Being Understood

Being understood means having your feelings, thoughts, and emotions acknowledged out loud and not crushed or denied by those you confide in. It feels like walking down a busy grocery aisle when someone suddenly singles you out from all the people and says, Hey! I know you! It means having someone else say out loud and acknowledge what you have been dealing with internally. And that is super healthy because sometimes, in all the mess, you can feel like no one understands or maybe even that what you're feeling is not real. But it is, and you need someone who will acknowledge that out loud and stand by you.

To whoever is reading this, perhaps you stumbled upon it because the Lord is right now acknowledging that He sees your pain, and He is not ignoring you. Sometimes, we just don't have the energy to look up to the Lord because we're so weary with our issues. And our issues may even create mistrust and stop up our relationship with the Lord. There's so much pain inside that it's so hard to focus our attention on the Lord. But that's ok because, in our weakness, He is strong. When you don't have the strength to press on, He will be your strength. Don't lose hope.

There is More

It is so important to have people listen to you and acknowledge your pain and troubles. But I've found, that is not enough. Because at the end of the day, we were created to have a whole relationship with the One who created us. Honestly, I could sympathize with you and listen to you and show you I understand, but if you don't have Him to fill you up inside, you will always feel empty and be dependent on others to make you feel happy or whole. No one can do for you in a lifetime what Jesus can do for you in one second.

End of Your Rope

I can recall so many times when I felt like I was at the end of the rope, and I just cried out Jesus' name and a moment later, I felt His love and Spirit cover me. It was so incredible because I was just calling out in desperation. I didn't think anything would actually happen. But then, I was hit with His overpowering love. And sometimes, it would just happen without me even saying anything. It is an incredible experience that cannot be explained with words, and what is so amazing about every single one of the times is that I wasn't even expecting that to happen. He didn't do that because I performed some works or prayed super long. On the contrary, He did it just because He wanted to. That was it.

His Power and Love

I know Jesus wants you to experience Him in such a powerful way. And I also know there's no formula for experiencing His power and love. In fact, sometimes, you may go through an extremely long dry season, where Jesus feels a million light-years away. But I've found that even in those dry seasons, what gets you through is keeping your heart soft even when you want to harden it and just grow bitter.

Are You Going Through a Tough Time? 

Whether you are a believer or not, you may be going through a tough time right now. I don't have the solution for you, but Jesus does. And even if you know Jesus, it doesn't mean all your mess gets cleaned up, nor does it mean that your mess is less messy than that of the unbelievers. We are all people, and all people have problems. And I just want to encourage you not to lose hope. And I don't want to sound cheesy, but seriously. Do not give up. A tragic story is only possible if giving up is involved. And I'm not saying things might end pretty. But they can end with you coming out whole and stepping into a new and better season of life. So let the fire of hope burn within you. Yes, you will get through even though that seems laughable now. Yes, you will know joy once again or maybe even for the first time. And, yes, Jesus is the answer. Don't just read this as some religious jargon or spiel. Jesus can seriously give you peace in the midst of the storm. I know because I've walked through the fire, and He walked right beside me every step of the way, even when I felt like He wasn't there.

bullied at school, grieving a loved one or experiencing a traumatic situation. It gave me a reason to live each day. So I could listen to the next show and hear from people I felt I could relate to. 

Being Grateful Despite Challenges

Even though I'm going through extreme challenges now such as being homeless with my wife and 2 kids and recovering from three back surgeries since October, I'm trying to stay strong. The adversary is always knocking at my door trying to tear me down, but I thank the Lord every day that I'm alive, recovering from injury, food in our bellies and a family homeless shelter over our heads.

I'm also TRULY grateful that the Lord gave me the sign to start listening to Dawson McAllister again during these difficult times. It's made such a difference and I want to give back by praying for him and his co-host Rachel Cardinal.

Prayers for Dawson and Rachel

"Lord I ask that you watch over everyone. Watch over my family, watch over Dawson and his loved ones. Watch over Rachel and her loved ones. In Jesus' name, we pray amen!" 🙏

-Hayden

We Are Praying for You! 

A MESSAGE FROM DAWSON: I am thankful God used me to work in Hayden's life. Reading his message makes it all worth it! Our challenges in life are hard but it is where God can show himself faithful. Rachel and I are praying for Hayden's healing and for God's provision for him and his family.  We thank the Lord for Hayden's faithfulness and gratefulness through his challenging times. May the Lord provide a place for them to live and meet all of their needs. We ask the Lord to fill him with hope and peace. In Jesus Name, Amen!

I was suffering, but I kept smiling because of love. She never told me that she loved me until it was time for me to leave the state which was 2 and a half months after we met. I always got mad because I believed the love was one-sided and I was just hurting myself.

I Knew I Would Get Hurt

However, when I left town, we started talking on video and she started telling me how much she loves me and all that. Then for the second time she told me that she broke up with her boyfriend. I begged her not to go back to him as she did before. She promised. Maybe I expected too much because I always wanted her to confess her emotions to me, but she told me that her love for me was on and off and not constant. I've tried to leave her but my heart bleeds and burns when I try, I cannot imagine a future without her. I even got a book so I could be ready to ask her to marry me and what to expect in the marriage.

I'm suffering too much emotionally and I wish that I never stepped in that room the night we met. Most of the time, I have no one around me and I just wallow in my thoughts alone. She has her friends with her, making her smile. She probably thinks less about me.

Finding Hope, After She Broke My Heart

After reading a story by Matt from your page, I now believe that whatever the outcome I will heal someday and this will all just be a memory.  Thank you for the hope you've shown my way. I pray that I heal quickly as it is the worst period of my life in many years. - Mike

Then I went to college and was sexually abused by my tutor. I felt worthless and depressed. I felt like no one believed me. I became obsessed with my tutor. He had lied to me, saying he didn't have a girlfriend, but I found out he did.  So I began constantly checking my tutor's girlfriend pictures to see how he was doing. I couldn't stop it and no matter how many times I blocked her, I kept unblocking her and seeing all the pictures of him and her together. He is a cheater and I was the other girl, the girl he raped.

Alone and Wanting to Die

So my family thinks I'm confusing my mom's boyfriend with the tutor who hurt me sexually. They also believe what happened with my tutor is my fault. I was so hurt by my own family. They said they would be there for me if anything happened, but this happened and they don't believe me. They are not there for me.

So in December, I wanted to kill myself. I never had the guts, but I was asking God every night to kill me because I felt so alone in this giant world.

God Saved Me through TheHopeLine

Then I thought of going to crisis hotline and I ended up coming here, to TheHopeLine.  I was looking for something that was Christian to help me rebuild and get closer to God.  As I chatted with the HopeCoach who was online helping me, I realized that I never accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior and Lord.  I was so desperate to feel better and not feel alone that I decided to accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior that night and got saved!!!

TheHopeLine chat is the literally the best hotline ever!!! I come here when I have some issues and it is the best! I always feel better after chatting here. Thank you!!! God bless you!! -Ericka

They have an amazing team of responders who are always there for you. They have always helped me and even prayed for me. Here's one of my stories about TheHopeLine.

Conflicted About My Sexuality

I've been struggling with my sexuality for a long time now, I'm only 14 but I have been thinking about it for a while. I think I may be bi-sexual, and growing up in the church I was scared. I didn't know what to do being attracted to more than men. I was scared and felt hopeless. It was burrowing inside me and it felt like I was slowly sinking into quicksand.

I had used TheHopeLine before, so I finally decided, maybe they can help me again. I chatted with TheHopeLine and right away I was connected to a HopeCoach. She helped me by really listening to me and asking me questions to help me think through my feelings. But then I had to leave the chat because it was late at night and I had to go to bed.

The next day I connected with a different HopeCoach who pulled up the conversation from the night before so we could begin where I left off.  Again she was nothing but kind and never judged me, she just helped me think through my conflicting feelings.  At the end of the chat she prayed with me and encouraged me. I am now praying and hoping that God will give me clarity and help me.

There is Someone Who Cares

TheHopeLine has helped me so many times. I'm so grateful for this amazing group of people. If you have a problem and have no one to talk to, please don't hesitate to chat with TheHopeLine. They are a safe place to talk. I can't explain how much they've helped me and been there for me. -Emilee  

Several weeks ago I started to seriously think of ending my life and researching for ways to do it.

Yet, praise God, He somehow kept me going, mostly through worship and praise music.  After the most severe episode of suicide ideation, I felt so ashamed.  That's where TheHopeLine came in. It was a late Saturday night.  Because of the shame and confusion, I dreaded going to church the next day and needed someone to talk to.  How could I face everyone?  "Good" Christians are not supposed to have these kinds of problems, right?

Love Conquered the Shame

West, from TheHopeLine, not only addressed these concerns, but also did so much more.  She helped me, for the very first time ever, to truly believe God's love!  I told her that trying to believe in the depths of God's love always seemed to hurt so much.  I feared that if I let myself really and truly believe it, I would start crying and never stop. I had never told anyone else this before.  Yet, West was so understanding, so genuine and kind, she knew just what I needed to hear.  This person really cared!  Furthermore, she reminded me of God's truth and dispelled the lies swirling around in my head.

Courage to Get Treatment

That night with West on TheHopeLine was a turning point in my life.  Believing in God's love has given me strength and clarity to honestly face complex-PTSD and getting the help I need. At present I am waiting to get into a local residential treatment program for trauma.  It's a little scary to think about, not knowing what the future holds; but that's okay.

Because of West and TheHopeLine, I can continue moving forward, remembering that depression is nothing to be ashamed of.  There's help and we are not alone! -- Kathy

But Dawson's radio program changed me, it was through him that I started to believe in Christ more.

A Brand-New Person

Thanks to Dawson's help and the help of the HopeCoaches at TheHopeLine I started to go down a better path. Since October 22, 2009, I have had zero suicidal thoughts, haven't self-harmed myself, and feel like a brand-new person each and every day.

Stand In the Gap

Now 10 years later, I participate in the Prayer Show with Dawson and Rachel Cardinal.  I am a Gapper which means I stand in the gap for others by going to God in prayer for them. I join the live stream prayer show and pray over the people who are posting their requests. I encourage you to tune in to the Prayer Show and let us pray for you!

Dawson is a real big help to those that are in need, and I am glad that God put him in our lives!! To God be the Glory! - Charles

I realized that I was really trying too hard to build a relationship with our Lord. My anxiety was being caused by many things, and to help overcome my struggles, I am now learning to seek Him. I am digging deeper in my Bible study time, and I'm praying intently and more often than I used to as well.

Releasing My Fears and Anxiety

Seeking God through prayer and the Bible has helped me slowly, but surely overcome my struggle with anxiety. TheHopeLine was definitely able to give me direction and hope for the future. They expressed to me the importance of seeking Him.   They reminded me that the Lord just wants to love us. We never need to be afraid to come to Him with our worries, our doubts and the things that are causing our anxiety.

I also truly enjoyed TheHopeLine's eBook, Understanding Anxiety. I am so thankful for all the resources you have been emailing me as well. It makes me feel I am not alone in this journey and that you guys are truly dedicated to helping others! I am forever thankful I reached out to TheHopeLine that evening. Xoxo - Pauline

Having no healthy father-figure in my life, I looked to others to fulfill my needs. It caused a lot of hurt and more scars. 

Then at the age of 17, my dad went into the hospital and I went to a revival with my aunt and came to know Jesus as my Savior. I was relieved of all the despair and hopelessness. I was always reading the Bible and praying. At this time, my father was in the hospital with a really bad infection and had his foot amputated. He came home for 3 weeks to heal until he went to rehab to learn how walk with a prosthesis.

My mom and I had come to a place we didn’t want him to come home. I was praying he would change, but he was the same. This all happened when I was a junior in high school, but when I graduated, I took my mom and we left. It was a new life for us to live on our own and work in the public.

Power of Prayer

I prayed, and God worked in ways only he could for many years.  Now my mom has retired, and we needed to have medical care, so we moved together and got the care we need.

I praise God for The Prayer Show with Dawson and Rachel. They have prayed for me as I still struggle with my father hunger. Through all the prayers and Dawson’s blogs and podcast, I’ve come to forgive my father with total forgiveness. Jesus is the only answer to all the problems we will face. I love my Savior. Jesus changed my life, don’t delay your decision on letting Jesus be your Savior!! -Brenda

When I saw this big beautiful thing with black and white keys, I could not resist playing it. I did manage to pick out the tune for “When the Saints Go Marching In” in before his voice boomed, “Get down and turn it off.” He and my sister attended that church, but they did not take me. I guess Jesus was not concerned about my shenanigans because he saved my soul years later anyway.

The Longing in My Heart

However, even at an early age I felt a drawing to a spiritual being. When walking down the street at Easter time I saw multiple pictures of Jesus Christ in a storefront. I thought, Who is this Jesus Christ that he has so many pictures of himself?  Could it be God?

At age 17, I left home and the first thing I did in my apartment was to set up an altar. I do not know why I wanted to do this and I didn't know what symbols I should use. However, I decided to lay a white cloth on a desktop with 2 candles on each side of the altar. I put a cross in the center, a picture of Christ against the cross and a Bible at the foot of the cross. It was a way to get close to the longing in my heart.

My Crooked Path

My search for this Christ led me to tarot cards, Ouija boards, and other demonic activities. This was out of total ignorance. I did not know what I was getting into. Then I discovered the Catholic church. Their rosary beads, statues of Christ, and altars attracted me to the church.  However, this particular Catholic church let me know that I did not fit in since I was not Catholic.

So, I turned to the world. It only took one friend at work to introduce me to the bars, etc. I do not have to explain where this led me. My first indication that I was in trouble happened when I walked into a bar and the bartender said, “There she is. We got your stuff set up in the back.” He meant the pool table and beer. I stopped and thought, Wow, am I really in here that much? Where else would I go? I did not have any family.

Through the same friend that led me to the dark side, I was led me to the light of Jesus Christ. Her mother attended a church and was praying for us. The church singles' group was having a camping trip over the weekend. This sounded great to us! We loaded the trunk with beer and took off to party. Little did we know that was not acceptable to a church group. When Saturday night came, they left in order to be at church the next day. I was disappointed because we had not even got to party. My friend and I stayed at the campground, so the beer would not go to waste. (And yes, they did play the snipe game on me.)

I Found My Home in Jesus

One Sunday at church when the altar call was given, I stood straight up to go down and receive Christ as savior. Then I just as abruptly sat down, but then I stood again and went forward. It was interesting because the senior pastor and the singles' pastor both did the same thing. One stood to come and pray with me and then the other one stood to come and pray with me. I know from the top of my head to the soles of my feet that electricity went through my body. My friend and her boyfriend followed, soon after, to receive Jesus Christ. Since I did not have any biblical background, I did not know what was happening. However, my thirst for God’s Word could not be quenched. I still have that thirst today.

Through my journey with Christ, I have learned that it is not about religion or good works, but about having an intimate relationship with the living God.

In all of my life’s ups, downs and crises, there is one theme that did not change, Jesus Christ never left me, hurt me or lied to me. I found my home in Him.

This Hope Can Be Yours

You can make this decision and receive Christ today. We are all going to die. Your soul is going someplace…heaven or hell. It is your choice.

The Bible tells us in John 3:16, “God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” Any time, any place you can ask Christ into your heart, tell Him you are sorry for all your wrongdoings tell him that you believe that he died on the cross for you. It does not take a 3-point sermon, dissertation or 10 prayers to tell God you believe and want Him in your heart. Then find someone to help you grow in your relationship with him. I promise you will never be the same person.

Living with Purpose - Becoming part of The Prayer Show

One night while I was cleaning my house I turned on the radio and I heard this guy talking to someone about suicide. My ears perked up. I thought, Wow! Who is this helping this kid? I listened and was impressed with the solutions he gave to him. I thought this guy knows what he is doing. Turns out I was listing to Dawson McAllister Live!

Then another caller came on the show talking about child abuse issues for her kids. I could not keep quiet about that. So, I called in to also offer advice and the next thing I knew I was on the air. I was scared to be live on-air, but Dawson said it was good advice so I shared my thoughts.

After my radio show experience, I stayed connected by becoming a Gapper on The Prayer Show.

I became a Gapper in order to give back.  As a Gapper I have committed to pray for others during the live prayer show. I want my hope, strength, and life experience to help someone else. Being able to pray and share my faith with others in The Prayer Show community is such a blessing.  Jesus Christ is the only one that will completely heal us.

Being a gapper gives me hope. Often when I listen to Dawson, his co-host, Rachel and others in the community, I find solutions to my own problems.  I feel supported by the show and it makes me feel useful.

I can see now that God was drawing me to himself at an early age. What an amazing thought! To know God was thinking about me and moving in me even when I didn't know him. I think maybe He loves me. :) - Paula

I really hated myself because of the way I look. I've become crazy with my thoughts. Some days I cry because of the load of shame and hate. Other days I giggle without reason. My hobby is writing. I love to write so much, but now I can't write anymore. I don't know why. I'm trying, but I have a hard time focusing. I haven't written in almost 4 months. 

Now I Know I'm Not Alone

I needed someone. I really needed a friend who knows what I feel. So I found this site.  Now I know I'm not alone. I read all of your stories and they make me feel better because I'm not alone, you know? I have the same scars, like you. I have the same pain, like you. So I'm so thankful to you because you are still alive. Your stories help. - Dewinsar

Finally, my mom broke up with him, but my deep fear of him has had lasting effects. I have PTSD and so much anxiety, pretty much every day. I'm worried he will come back, and this time succeed in killing my mom, me, my dad/stepdad, my dog, and my grandma! He threatened to kill us all! Even though my mom finally got a restraining order against this jerk, I still worry every day he's going to come back.

Peace of Mind from TheHopeLine

So to help me deal with all of this, I went to TheHopeLine. They helped me cope with my anxiety and PTSD and process my thoughts about this abusive guy. At TheHopeLine they are so nice! They gave me hope and love no matter what.  They are honest, kind, and helpful. TheHopeLine is the best! Thank you so much to the entire team at TheHopeLine! -David

unhealthy and untrusting. I'm still hurting, but I know it doesn't matter if my ex comes crawling back or not.

Hopeful I Am Not Alone

I will not be happy or be able to make anyone else happy, until I am right with God again. My HopeCoach and I prayed together and although I'm still hurt, I feel hopeful knowing that I'm not alone and I never was. I was simply looking in the wrong places. -Michelle